In previous dedicated practice of meditation, after I was in a non-speaking ashram for a week long of daily of non-stop meditation, alternating between sitting meditation an hour and walking meditation (or eating meditation) an hour, I have always had this question.
I would hear about and see others who would reference having to contend with body sensations such as movement, inner feelings and thoughts, as the distractive mind and body. While I am known as a very high energy person normally, talkative, actively moving a lot, and when I first started meditating, right at this ashram, I could stay in my body at first and has these previously mentioned experiences, I learned quickly my first day there that I could just “go out”. There was no talking or even asking questions so I never knew and wondered a lot if this was cheating. Were we all supposed to stay in our bodies and learn to “deal with those sensations”? Was that a way of overcoming the body, the ego?
About the middle of that week, it became virtually impossible for me to stay in my body more than a few minutes in the beginning and whether I was doing it wrong or right, I just “let go” and allowed myself to “disappear out”. Sometimes I would “go out” and nothing would happen but I would be still. I might have a thought now and then but it would have virtually no emotion attached to it and it would either dissipate immediately or if I wanted to “look at” the thought from each side, below and above, I could but even then not for much of a moment as I became very attracted to this constant “little space” of “emptiness and total quiet” I could get to and hang out in for what seemed forever and yet no time at all.
I really did think I was cheating as I could tell that some people were really struggling staying quiet for the whole hour eight to ten times a day. For me I would be able to get into my position, often thought out a bit so I knew my body would not be uncomfortable during that time, then within a minute or two, I was “out”. During the beginning minute or two “going out”, I might have a thought or two, with some or much emotion that was from previous thinking that either did or didn’t relate to anything from the past. I could chose to deal with it but to be honest, my desire to get to “my spot of silence” was so strong that I just dismissed any of those thoughts either as irrelevant or “I’ll deal with these later” and “went out”.
Much later in years, when I had read some books on meditation I did see some correlation between techniques that are taught to deal with the mind and body, about letting the thought be there and letting it pass that did seem to relate to how I addressed that naturally but I was still never sure if my almost instant “release and return to my quiet space” was cheating, like not addressing anything. I would also read about how this nirvana was supposed to feel or be like and this did seem close to where I went but that seemed so arrogant to assume as I was such a novice to it all. To me and I’m sure to many others I was not an example of an evolved being, lol.
Starting during that week at the ashram, I knew that the only way I knew to “come back” was by hearing or actually “sensing my body feeling the vibration” of the bell being rang. When I would do it on my own, I would need to set a low alarm or have a music tape playing very low that would end at the time for me to come back. I know that few will believe this but once when I first moved to Sedona, I decided to “go out” for as long as I wanted or was able. Again, I know many will not believe this but I “went out” and when I returned much to my horror, disbelief, confusion and denial at first, I had been out for almost three days total. This frightened me that it was a sign of mental instability and I never tried it again.
When I “go out”, I can do one of three things I know of. One is just to sit there or be there since I really don’t feel my body. I often enjoy this when I am especially stressed or tired and it can give me an incredible amount of energy and is how many people have been shocked how alert I can stay while going without sleep for days. Second, I can just “go off and play in energy”. I can’t really explain this as there isn’t really words to describe it but it seems like a lucid dream, very colorful, very alive, very instant (if I just think of something I am there) and very un-worldly. Finally as I would ultimately learn to do for “sessions”, I could “go out and visit places where information was”. Again this is not really explainable in words although I have read some books which describe places such as I perceive I have experienced.
